NASA to use New Yankee Stadium

Whether or not the Yankees bring home a championship the first year playing in New Yankee Stadium, there should be some positive returns: NASA wants in.  Space exploration has not captivated the imagination of America in recent years, but thanks to the strange way in which objects propel themselves out of the New Yankee Stadium, NASA officials think that can change.

“Really, we had reached our limit.  Sure, we could put a rover on Mars, but it took a tremendous amount of resources.  Now?  The possibilities are endless,” a high ranking NASA official said, when discussing the prospect of using the New Yankee Stadium.  “Something about those new concourses – they’re an engineering marvel.  If a simple wooden bat can send an object that far, imagine how far a rocket will go?”

The key to the entire arrangement focuses on NASA’s ability to conserve resources.  The official went on to say that “tremendous distance could be generated with relatively little force.”

But how did he even come up with this idea?

“Well, when I saw Melky Cabrera hit a homerun, I started getting ideas,” he claimed.  “But once I saw Asdrubal Cabrera hit one out, I knew that we could generate propulsion with essentially no power at all.”

With ‘09 over, Yanks look forward to 2010

The 2009 season did not turn out the way the Yankees hoped it would.  High-priced free agents C.C. Sabathia and Mark Teixiera did not live up to expectations and the team in general underachieved, digging themselves a hole in the first 2 games of the season that is simply too great to overcome.  That those losses were against the lowly Baltimore Orioles make it even harder to stomach.

“It happened so quickly,” team captain Derek Jeter said.  “It feels like the season just started.  I know there’s a lot of games left to play, but it’s rough being considered out of it already.  I guess we’ll just have to stay focused and build momentum for next season.”

Newly imported pitcher A.J. Burnett was equally frustrated.  “I mean, I never even got to throw a pitch,” the right-hander lamented.

With the 2010 season less than a year away, however, all hope is not lost.  “Well, I went 1 for my first 9 this year, so next season I can probably improve upon that,” added an optimistic Mark Teixiera.  “I guess I didn’t realize that so much could hang on 9 at-bats.  The speed of New York caught up with me.”

So while the Yankees may have waited too long this season to realize their year was on the line, there is hope that in 2010, they’ll understand how critical the first 2 games of the season really are.

Hank: I want A-Rod in lineup

In a sign that Hank Steinbrenner plans on being heavily involved in the 2008 New York Yankees, he released a statement to the press today demanding Alex Rodriguez be put in the lineup.

“It’s absolutely stupid for A-Rod to be on the bench and I just won’t stand for it,” the irate Steinbrenner said. “This is my team and I have the say.”

When reporters tried to walk away, Hank called them back, saying “Alex is the best hitter in the game. I understand how baseball works. You have to let your best hitters hit. That’s how you win.”

Update

After speaking with GM Brian Cashman, Hank Steinbrenner released the following quote: “Alex Rodriguez will remain on the bench for now, until he is healed from his injury. But make no mistake: he’ll be back in the lineup soon, and that’s where everyone wants him. Cashman and I are on the same page.”

From the News Wire: Mets Fan Thrilled to be Leading

When it comes to the Johan Santana race, every day is thrilling for Mets fan Jeffrey Horowitz.

“I’m so excited to get up in the morning and see who is leading,” says the 28 year old Astoria, Queens resident. “Especially now that it’s us!”

The Johan Santana derby has been on since the beginning of the offseason and there have been many twists and turns in a competition that primarily includes the Mets, Yankees, and Red Sox. All three teams would like to have the dominant lefty in their rotation, but as of late both the Yankees and Red Sox have cooled on the idea of giving away their best prospects.

“You know, in the beginning it seemed like we’d never get out of third place. But you gotta give [GM] Omar [Minaya] credit. He came back.” With this, Jeffrey gives a pump of his fist. “Now I can call up all my friends who are Yankee and Red Sox fans and let them know that we’re in first now.”

When asked if he was confident that the Mets would actually land Santana, Jeffrey responded, “Well of course they will. This is the New York Mets we’re talkin about. When they build a lead like this, they hold it until the end.”

Curt Schilling Awards Cy Youngs To Himself

In an effort to right past wrongs, Curt Schilling, of 38pitches.com fame, has suggested that all MLB awards won with the help of performance enhancing drugs should be given to their rightful owners. In the case of the previous owners of Cy Young awards, the blogger said those should go to Schilling himself.

You see, Curt Schilling is not only a successful blog writer, but he also used to have some success as a professional baseball player and in fact played and trained with many of the players now being accused of steroid use.

“I am the only player I know for certain is clean,” Schilling said. “Clemens improved as a pitcher after 1997 when he was in his thirties. How many power pitchers who rely on a fastball and splitter improve in their thirties? That should be a clear sign of steroids.”

When told that his best seasons came when he was 34 and 35 and that he too relied on a fastball and splitter combo, Schilling seemed unconcerned. “But I know I’m clean. I don’t know that about anyone else. It’s my opinion, but I should receive the accolades so everyone knows I was the best. You see this really isn’t about anyone else, it’s all about me. I’ve had enough of all these users getting attention.”

Mitchell Backs Up Clemens Accusation

Senator George Mitchell, a week after releasing his report on steroid use in baseball, has finally corroborated his findings on pitcher Roger Clemens. Clemens was undoubtably the most shocking name in the report, as he was accused of doing a number of performance enhancing drugs, including Winstrol and HGH.

Clemens has recently fired back however, claiming that the accusations were unfounded and based solely on the accounts of trainer Brian McNamee, who was giving out false information so as to avoid prison time.

Pressured to prove his findings, Senator Mitchell released an addendum to his report that reads:

According to Jeffrey “Sully” Sullivan of Brookline Massachusetts, everything that Brian McNamee said is true and there is perhaps evidence of even more steroid abuse. Mr. Sullivan said that Clemen’s drug-use since leaving the Boston Red Sox in 1997 has been epic and still continues today.

When tracked down for comment, Mr Sullivan said “Well of course Clemens is a freakin cheat[er]. How old is he, like 50? Soon as he left us, he started hittin the juice wicked hard.”

Sully is pointing the finger at Roger Clemens for substance abuse.

The Sultan of Steroids

In an unexpected twist, former Senator and current Boston Red Sox Board of Directors member George Mitchell released a report on steroid use in baseball that named players who have been retired for many years as users. In one case, the player mentioned has been retired for 72 years.

Mitchell claims that the steroid problem started at the end of the 1919 season, when Babe Ruth was sold to the New York Yankees. According to the report, after coming to NY, Ruth was determined to improve his power numbers to unheard of levels. During training and in between games, Ruth would reportedly ingest a staggering number of hot dogs injected with anabolic steroids and throw back numerous beers laced with testosterone.

“The numbers don’t lie.” The report says. “Ruth’s Home Run total went from 29 to 54. He was out-homering other teams. Talent like that does not just develop naturally.”

The report does not just incriminate Ruth. “The Iron Horse” Lou Gehrig is also mentioned as a tragic case where a talented player had no choice but to take drugs simply to keep up with his peer, in this case Ruth. The list goes on: DiMaggio’s drug habit not only aided his production but also his dehabilitating foot problem; Maris’ record breaking season that seemingly “came out of nowhere;” Mantle’s brilliant career that was marred by substance abuse; Jackson’s tape measure power; Mattingly and his chronically bad back; Clemens and his post-Boston resurgence. All of these players Mitchell links to steroids, citing either their unusual statistics or subsequent health problems.

The report goes on to name a few other seemingly random players, including: Aaron Boone, Bucky Dent, Mookie Wilson, and the entire 1999 Yankees.

Mitchell’s report does offer hope however. Apparently as of the 2004 season, the game has been pure and clean. There has not been a steroid user since.

So moving forward, how does the report say we can rectify baseball’s past transgressions? Simple: “All stats and achievements accomplished during the seasons 1919-2003 should be rendered invalid and all documentation of such destroyed.”

It seems everyone can agree that is truly a small price to pay to restore the honor of the National Pastime and put behind us 86 years of shame.

Torre: Work Left to be Done

Joe Torre has won 4 World Series championships and appeared in 2 other fall classics. He’s second on the all time Yankee win list for managers. He was at the helm for perhaps the greatest season in baseball history, 1998 when the Yankees won 125 games en route to a championship. However, he is still haunted by the one achievement that got away.

“Scott [Proctor] and I together, I think it’s a real special situation.” Torre says, referring to the reliever he so frequently called upon in their days together in the Bronx.

“This situation now, I think we can do it. We can get to 107. That’s gotta be our goal.”

What Torre is referring to is the all-time appearance record for a pitcher, currently owned by Mike Marshall who appeared in 106 games in 1974. Proctor appeared in 83 games in 2006 under Torre. So what can Torre do to help account for the extra 24 appearances needed?

“Really, it just can’t be about the scoreboard. We’ve got to ignore everything else about the situation but this: is our starter ready to come out? If he is, then Scott’s the guy who should be getting the call” responds Torre, who seems reinvigorated by the opportunity and his reunion with Proctor.

So how does Proctor feel about all this?

“I’ll be ready.” Proctor says, when asked about his chance at the record. “When skip comes out of the dugout, I’ll do the job.”

When asked of any worries about his health Proctor seems unfazed.

“Look, back in 2006 I heard a clicking in my elbow. One hundred appearances later, I’m still pitching. Sometimes you just need to pitch through that kind of stuff. And I mean, on the plus side, I don’t have to worry about facing Manny with the bases loaded and no one out in a tie game anymore.”